Blame it on the shower
by SD Babe
Summary: Stephanie versus the shower... will be a babe, cupcakes may get hurt... smut will occur!
1. Chapter 1

While I dream about using Ranger for a very creative weekend, I do not own the characters, I am not making any money, and my bank account can attest to that!

First FanFic... Please be kind!

Chapter 1: Stupid Showerhead

I knew I should have stayed home today… when my day started this morning; I drearily got into the shower after downing a cup of coffee. Only to have my new detachable shower head, installed only weeks ago by Dillon in exchange for a couple of beers, jumped out of its holder an hit me hard on the top of my head. At first I shrugged it off; I mean come on Stephanie Plum getting hurt by a detachable showerhead. I know my life is crazy, and strange things happen to me everyday, but I am not that weak or feeble. So after a couple moments of being stunned, I continued on with my shower and thought nothing of it.

An hour later I'm sitting in front of the office, debating if I should keep driving, or go in and pick up folders. Currently I am working at Rangeman and Vinnie's. Ranger offered months ago to hire me to help with research, new account development, and the occasional distraction job and skip, but I kept holding off from taking the job. I was already doing the occasional distraction job and helping with skips, but I didn't take the job, because I still love the freedom of going after a FTA by myself, or with Lulu. A couple months ago, I ended up taking the job, as the criminals in Trenton were behaving and I was skip free for almost two weeks. I accepted the Rangeman job the day I realized that I had no peanut butter left in my apartment, and all of my savings was spent on keeping my apartment. That was three months ago, thankfully I have been able to work out an agreement with Rangeman, I work two days a week in the office, one day in the field, and have the rest of my time to continue to work for Vinnie. Today was a Vinnie day, and I was debating leaving the parking spot in front of the office, and driving to the beach, or maybe spending my morning figuring out what my donut limit is. Unfortunately, I had been spotted by Connie and Lulu, and my phone started ringing.

"White girl, what are you doing? Are you trying to keep those donuts from me?"

"No Lulu, I'm just contemplating my navel fuz."

"Girl, is that a drink?"

"No, it's a question on life. I'll be in, give me a moment."

"A moment, you've been out there for 20 minutes!"

I hung up, looked at the clock and wondered how that had happened. Ok, time to play skip roulette, what crazy can I go after today? Like I said before, I love my job, and since I am now an official Rangeman employee, I'm a lot better at catching skips, without ending up covered in garbage, Vaseline, or becoming the laughing stock of the Trenton police department. Sure my cars still blow up every couple of months, and I still bring in the occasional naked skip. But I was getting better. The Merry Men had always treated me like a sister, so I wasn't surprised when I started and each one picked a day of the week to pick on me, or as they called it training in the gym. So for the past three months I have been training on breaking and entering, weapons, driving, running, weight training, skip takedown, and hand to hand combat. I swear I heard the guys fighting out who was stuck with me for hand to hand combat, I'm just not sure if it was because the wanted to fight me, or because they were afraid they would hurt me (or get hurt themselves). Currently I had three hours before I was scheduled to meet with Les for today's hand to hand combat session, so it was time to look for a skip.

I entered the office and Connie and Lulu were staring me down… wanting information. As normal I didn't want to offer any.

"Any skips Connie?"

"I have five new ones for you, but I'm not giving any until you give up why you just spent 20 minutes in your car talking to yourself."

With that I flop down on the couch, and grab a donut. I really do not want to get into it with them, how do you explain that you love two people. One wants to change you, and the other wants an call girl! Connie and Lulu are still staring me down, when Ranger pulls up. Fortunately my spidey sense kicked in before he opened the door, so I was able to put down the donut, paste a fake smile on my face, and clean off most of the frosting that had fallen on my shirt.

Ranger's glaze caught my eyes, as he handed Connie the body receipt and told her to send the check to Rangeman. Next he smiled and asked to speak with me outside. Nervously I left the couch and once we were outside Ranger pulled me to our spot in the alley. While I really enjoyed this, I also really needed it to stop. I really needed to get my head around my life. Thankfully my Merry Men knew about our stolen kisses, and Lester and Bobby decided to teach me how to remove myself from Ranger's hold. Both guys had their reasons: Bobby had made a smart ass comment about my ass when we were in training one day… Bobby didn't know that Ranger had the video and audio up at his desk. Bobby ended up walking funny for a week, and decided that Ranger needed to be put in his place. And Lester just wanted to get in my pants! So for the last two months we have been meeting off grid one afternoon a week to find ways a 105lb girl could remove herself from the trap of a very lustful 215lb Cuban sex god.

So I decided that today I would implement my plan. I allowed Ranger to start with one soft but passionate kiss as he ran his fingers through my hair. After the kiss I grabbed his hand, well specifically his left thumb, and as I darted around him I pulled thumb with me, In an instant I was position behind him, with his left thumb nearly touching his wrist, and his hand nearly touching his back as I applied presser to both his arm and the back of his knee. Ranger was in shock as he went down on his knee, and his face was introduced to the spot on the bond's office wall where my ass had just been. I quickly moved lips down to his ears and said "Never again without my permission" and walked away. I quickly reached my car and started calling Lester as I drove away wanting to give the Merry Men a heads up. Ranger can get mad when I am involved and I didn't want anyone to receive extra mat time because of my rejection.

I stopped at McDonalds for breakfast, and took the time to review my new skips. I was on my third when my phone chirped… Lester was calling; hopefully the fallout wasn't too much. Curiosity took over and I answered my phone, only able to hear one side of the conversation. In true Stephanie style I answered the phone with the most lust filled, wet dream filled voice "Oh Lester I knew you couldn't stay away!" Then of course I heard a struggle in the background and Lester screaming that Ranger had his phone. Oh shit…

I quickly grabbed my stuff and ran to my car, racing to Hayward. I didn't even park, just left my car there and ran up to the third floor hoping that I wouldn't be too late to keep Ranger from killing Lester.

When I entered the door to the gym most of Rangeman was present, and Lester and Ranger were in fighting motion. Knowing that I wasn't going to have to put a stop to this, as the Merry Men were too engrossed in the fight, I quickly walked up to the two boys and stepped between them. I could hear Ranger growl and Lester chuckled. Lester and Ranger were still in fight formation (I was starting to think they liked the gym better than me!). My adrenaline must have kicked in as I was revving up to give Ranger the Italian tell off of a lifetime, when black spots took over my vision, and I passed out into Lester's sweat glistening chest.


	2. Chapter 2

While I dream about using Ranger for a very creative weekend, I do not own the characters, I am not making any money, and my bank account can attest to that!

_Previously… _

_When I entered the door to the gym most of Rangeman was present, and Lester and Ranger were in fighting motion. Knowing that I wasn't going to have to put a stop to this, as the Merry Men were too engrossed in the fight, I quickly walked up to the two boys and stepped between them. I could hear Ranger growl and Lester chuckled. Lester and Ranger were still in fight formation (I was starting to think they liked the gym better than me!). My adrenaline must have kicked in as I was revving up to give Ranger the Italian tell off of a lifetime, when black spots took over my vision, and I passed out into Lester's sweat glistening chest. _

Chapter 2: Smells from a shower

I woke up to Ranger, Bobby, and Lester whisper arguing just outside of Ranger's bedroom. The Green Tea Bulgari scent wafting from Ranger's shower, the scent sent me to my happy place and I was trying to ignore my raging headache and the noise made by my three favorite ex-military men. I felt like acting like a child and yelling "Come on mom, five more minutes in denial land!" instead I allowed my curiosity to take charge and listen to the argument.

"What do you mean she'll be fine?"

"Ranger, I mean she is strong, and there is no reason to believe that she has a concussion. She hasn't had a takedown go bad in months. There have been no injuries in weeks, and her last car exploded two weeks ago when she was three blocks away."

"Bobby, that's what scares me, she has no reason to pass out like that!"

"Maybe your act of macho and trying to kill me was the cause or her passing out. Rangeman did you ever think that the fear of you killing the people around you would cause her stress. Yes, she played a joke over the phone. Yes, she put you in your place in the ally. No, that does not give you the right to take your issues out on everyone else. For fuck sake we all know she's your woman, why don't you?"

"Lester, you know why… safety… protection…"

"Blah, Blah, Blah, I'm a coward is what I hear! Oh ya, Ranger give me that death glare, it's not gonna work. She took you down today, and I'm looking at you right now and thinking we need a repeat of that performance."

I had to chuckle at that… taking him down again would be fun; unfortunately my chuckling brought the attention back to me, eep. Bobby was the first to move, and was over to the bed in a moment.

"Bombshell, I can't figure out why you passed out earlier. Have you hit your head lately and not told me? You know that all injuries need to be reported to me. You're not hiding information from me again are you?"

"Geez, hide one tiny stab wound and I get the fifth degree for the rest of my life!"

"TINY! It required 10 stitches..."

"Bobby, my head hurts could we lay off the yelling and guilt trips till later, are you sure you're not Italian?"

"Sorry, let's try this again, before your two guard dogs attach me. Let's go through the normal questions."

"Drinking in the past 24 hours?"

"No"

"Dizzy or nauseated"

"No and no"

"Stress Levels"

"Normal for a girl that runs after bad guys, has my family, and hangs out with a group of ex-military macho males."

"Changes in diet, weight gain or loss"

"Nope still eating taste cakes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner"

"Babe!"

"What it's my normal diet and before you start I know "That stuff will kill you" cause death by taste cake is my most likely form of death. Not gunshot, knife wound, strangulation, or evil glare from you or my mother! Ok, Bobby any other questions or can I leave?"

"Only one more question, any head injuries lately?"

"Nothing big in the last couple months"

"What does "nothing big" mean?"

"Nothing"

"Bullshit Bomber, talk or I will keep you on bed rest for a month, and while I'm sure boss would love to have you tied up to his bed, I'm positive that you would hate it."

Hmmm tied up in Ranger's bed for a month could be fun, tempting, that would probably fix a lot of my problems. I mean Joe would freak out, and then the cops would raid the building and then my mother would go off out how Sally Stuckup's child never gets tied to the bed by ex-military men… ok so it's not a good idea I guess it's time to talk.

""

All three men at once "What!"

"You all need to fix your ESP, normally I never have to talk, and now you all won't listen." Hah, that should tell them… yah right I wish, now I have three angry men glaring at me.

"Ok, ok I give up, have mercy. Like I said it was nothing. I was just hit in the head this morning by my shower head."

To this Ranger grins, Bobby looks like he is trying to figure out how it would happen, and Lester looks confused and I'm beating on Lester to ask the questions that most people would never ask.

"Beautiful, how would your showerhead hit you on your head, your showerhead is at least 10 inches above your head and it doesn't have the ability to move, it's attached to the wall."

At this point Bobby starts to get it and Ranger is grinning more than the Cheshire cat, it looks like Lester the world known lothario would need to have the fun of detachable shower massagers added to his list of well know likes for women! Thankfully Bobby interrupts my educational session.

"Lester, let's leave Bombshell alone, she most likely has a headache." Bobby quickly hands me a couple Advil and a bottle of water, and ushers the guys out of Ranger's room.

As they are being pushed out of the room Ranger quickly voices his issue with this "Hey it's my room why am I being forced to leave?"

"Because Bombshell needs to rest without you pawing over her and you need to explain detachable showerheads to Lester."

I fall back into sleep with the comforting noise of them chuckling, and the hope that the boys do not connect why I removed my showerhead from its holder.

Hours later I wake up confused and alone. My headache was going away, but when I sat up I was dizzy. Also why was I in Ranger's bed without Ranger? Like any college girl after a night of partying I started replaying the day before, chuckling at the fact that I had taken down Ranger, and wondering how he explained shower massagers to Lester.

Realizing that Ranger could return at any minute, and that it was a Rangeman day and I needed to get to work, I quickly left the bed, instantly morning the loss of those wonderful sheets. I went for the shower, avoiding looking at the mirrors out of fear of how I looked, turning on the hot water I allowed the multiple shower heads and the wonderful scent of Bulgari to take the stress of the last 24 hours away from me. I stayed long enough to get clean, but avoided truly enjoying the shower. After I finished my shower I did the quick hair, makeup, and Rangeman outfit thing (thank Ella I always have clean cloths and a stock of supplies available).

I left for the 5th floor with the full confidence the Rangeman uniform with the scent of Bulgari provides me. Today is a Field day, hopefully Bobby will let me have fun and not chain me to a desk… though I could think of a desk I would like to be chained to. I wonder if I can talk Bobby into that arrangement!


End file.
